Part 73 :***

dedicated to u all :***
....................................

DALAL:

“7AMAD!”
His head spun around…slightly fearful and shocked…he probably thinks something bad has happened.
“Dalal?”
“*breathing heavily* I….need…to…talk…to…you” my heart was racing…not from the run…but from what I’m about to say...

He kept his eyes directly on mine…he looks like he was deciphering a code or something…trying to figure me out..

My breathing was a bit difficult but I survived…I hope I survive this…

As I calmed down and I looked up at his gorgeous eyes…every word I was going to say disappeared…everything I had in mind went down the drain…all I did was stare back at him…with an open mouth trying to say something but…I couldn’t.

At that exact moment I realized something I didn’t…7amad was a risk…what if he breaks my heart again?

What if he leaves me? I slowly died the last 6 weeks….and we were just friends…what happens if
I let him in and in return he leaves me? What if I get hurt....I won’t be able to get back up if he ever did that….

What if I end up like all the other girls he dated? Dumped and alone…
What if I’m just like all the other girls he dated?!! What if I was a phase? Something stupid…what if he realizes I’m not the one? It’s a huge risk for me to take…far too huge…

Maybe not being together is better…I’ll get over this…or at least I can fake it….but if I was truly with him and we decided to break up…I’ll shatter easily…no way back.

“Dalal?” his voice meant business…like I was a stranger…in the end I am.
“Yeah…*unclear voice*..aa..”
“3asa masher?”

I shook my head…is he still good at reading me? I hope I make it through this.

“I…I think I forgot something in your car…emm my CD…and…7imdela 3ala salama”
“ala esalmich”

He looked disappointed but he hid it well…not good enough I say.

He went to his car and he started searching…

That pain in my chest I had weeks ago was back…

There he is right in front of me…why can’t I just tell him and get it over with…isn’t getting my heart broken worth the fall?

No…no…this is stupid…I am not thinking straight…7amad and I are not supposed to be together we’ll just be a mistake…none of the other girls he went out with lasted a month…not even 3 weeks! Is a ride that short worth damaging my already fragile heart?

“Dalal? Maligata”

I mean what if I was the one to call it quits? What if I break his heart?...i don’t want to be that person in the relationship….what if I make him suffer more than he is…or probably was since he’s done with me now…I think.

And what gives me the right to go up to him and just say I love you?! After all this time? After he was done with me or anything that reminded him of me?
I can’t think about me it’s us…

“Dalal?”

*I love you…I’m so sorry…* I said it to him in my thoughts…I wasn’t that brave.

“Thanks any way”

I turned to leave

“That’s not what you wanted”

“What?” I half turned to see him….SHIT HE’S GOOD!

“That’s not the reason…you ok?”

“*fake smile* yeah...” I turned to leave but I looked back again

“actually no…no I’m not fine…I’m nowhere near it…you left …*shrugged my shoulders* you just cut me out…you know what forget it” I turned and took a few steps towards their door.

What the hell just happened? I can’t believe I said that…

“I had my reasons” he yelled behind

“What are they?!!...what reasons could just let you do that?!!!” I turned around to face him…surprised that he was closer to me than before…he was a few steps away.

“I can’t do this…Dalal…I’m not going down this road again…I’m over it and you should be too”

“ov..over it?..*trying to breathe* well then it shouldn’t be a problem if we hanged out…right?” It didn’t hit me that he could be over it….over it?!

We were an it?! That he just magically got over?!

“Our lives are different now…I have my thing and you have yours…the past is the past…it’s for the best”

FOR THE BEST?! U ASS I LOVE U!!!

“I’M NOT ONE OF UR STUPID GIRLS THAT U CAN JUST THROW AWAY!!! I AM NOT THAT GIRL!”

“DALAL!”

“I’m sorry…I have to go” I rushed back as soon as I was behind the doors I wept…softly and
quietly…once I noticed I was alone I cried…

I could hear footsteps running down the stairs…it’s Fajoor.
She had a huge smile but it faded away as soon as she saw me and my tears.

“what did he say?”
“he’s over it” I barely whispered

She was shocked as hell…

“you told him you loved him and he said he was over it?”

I explained the entire thing to her and she was speechless…what was she going to do about it? I mean the guy I love is over me…

I meant to him as much as those stupid annoying girls that drove me jealous meant.

I was nothing…why did I think I was more? He probably opens up to them the way he does to me.

1 week later in the chalet:

7amad was out in the beach with his phone on his ear…I can tell it’s a girl…I always can tell.

This pain is driving me crazy…it’s like this void that replaced the warmth I used to have…the warmth 7amad created and now it’s all gone.
I was on my side of the beach with the girls…5aled and Dayoom are back together, Rakan and his mom went over and they hit it off…5alty Haya was in-love with them. The only thing missing is him.

As selfish as this may seem…but why do they get their dream guys…and I don’t?
Why is mine over me that easily? I knew it…I just knew I wasn’t what he really wanted…he probably just did what he did to help me with my yousef problem…he knew I was over him…but maybe he thought I needed something to pull me off the ground…the thing is I was never on the ground…I am now.

The only guy I thought would never in a million years hurt me…hurt me the most…
Trusting is something you gain…and I was foolish back then. I was naïve to think that this is a perfect world and everything will work out…it never does…not in the real world.

Dayoom and Fajoor urged me to tell him the truth no matter what…just to let it out…they say I should just say it and if he’s over it then nothing’s going to change…I’ll still be 7amadless…but if he’s still…if he’s still in-love with me…then it could be the start of something new…something amazing…am I ready for it?

But…what about all the things that come to play? Like…what if we break up? What if I get so damaged and broken no one’s ever going to want me? I hate thinking about others but…that’s what I’m going to face someday might as well face it now.

What if I do end up with someone else? Or worse what if he ends up with another?!!
As I looked at him having the time of his life on the phone laughing and smiling to this girl…she could be the one…the girl on the other side could be lucky enough to end up with him.

Numbingly a tear fell…a tear of goodbye…that chapter we had is closed…he closed it…and I’m
not about to open it.

Later that afternoon…I wanted to just go somewhere for fun…a place I can just roam and wander carelessly…I wanted to drive.

I grabbed my dad’s keys and walked out in the blinding sun towards the cars…no one was
around…that was what I thought until I heard laughter…that annoying voice…I know it…I know it..
I looked back and I was right…Selma…what?!!

WHAT?!!! NO NO NO THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!

They were holding hands! Together….wait what is going on?!

Fajoor and Dayoom were with them…laughing.

This has to be a nightmare…this has to be. Fajoor and Dayoom saw me and their smiles disappeared….that made 7amad and that stupid ass look my way. CRAP!

She snuggled closer to him...only shredding my heart to pieces…no biggie right?

I chose this…this is my fault…

BUT SELMA?!!! SELMA?!! WHAT SUDDENLY THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE?!

He knew how much I disliked her…I HATED HER…NO I HATE HER!!!
That’s my fiancé ;(

I quickly got in the car and I just paused…I can’t drive it…not in front of them…I’m not qualified yet blah blah blah…whatever…I jumped out and went back into the chalet.

I went up to my room to sulk a bit…I could use it I think.

The girls came up.

I had a tiny argument with them…WHY THE HELL WERE THEY WITH HER?!!

They tried to explain that 7amad wanted to introduce his…yes…his girlfriend to them…
I kicked them out and cried myself to sleep.

He’s over it!! I knew I was just a stupid crush...another girl in his life…just a stupid worthless person in his life.

I woke up in the middle of the night and I made my way out to the beach…it reminds me of Yousef…I don’t care it was mine before it was ours…

After a few minutes I saw a figure approaching me….BADER!!!

This smile painted my face and he winked at me…he’s funny.

“laish il7ilween ibroo7hom?”
“madree *laughing*”
“ga3ad atkalam 3an nafsy”
“ahaa….ok ok have a seat beauty next to the beast”

He laughed softly and sat next to me.

“Everything’s fine?”
“um…I think”
“no no…it’s either yes or no”
“no”
“wanna talk about it?”
“look…it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it…I mean…I…emm” SHIT!
“you don’t trust me?”
“Bader…it’s not…yeah…I kind of learned that lesson the hard way and I just…I no longer trust easily”
“Whoa…one tough lesson…but you should know I’m here *bumping his shoulder against mine*…now talk”
“is that an order? *smiling at him*”
“yes beast it is”

I told him…stupidly I told him how I felt about 7amad…how I was trying to get over him…how he is over me….i thought he was going to judge me…or say something horrible to me but…he didn’t…he was supportive.

“What the hell are you doing here?! Go to him”
“maynoon? I can’t he’s over me! He’s with Selma now!”
“lazem itgooleenla”
“shloon?! Bader I can’t…I just can’t…”
“nothing is going to change unless you change it…Dalal I’ll be a pain in ur ass unless you tell him”
“Bader be serious!”
“I AM!...if I was him…I would give anything to hear that from a person I love…*looking away*”
“you ok?...is there something you want to talk about?”
“it’s in the past”
“no no no you don’t get to say that! I was forced by you…now I’m forcing you….tell me”
“…..*silence*…she’s with someone else…she’s in-love I can see that”
“I’m sorry…but you’ll find better...i just know it”
“no…she was it…she was the best…all aspects…good name, great family, sweet, unbelievably beautiful, caring and she’s everything I ever wanted…but I wasn’t as fast to let her know it…don’t make that same mistake”
“I won’t…and bader…as much as I hate to admit it…you’re great…in all aspects…trust me you’ll find who makes you even happier…or at least happy *smiling goofily*” he smiled his cute smile.
“yeah yeah…so tomorrow?”
“what?”
“you’re telling him tomorrow”
“baaaaderrr”
“mako..bacher bitgolleenla…”
“fine!”
“salamay 3ala Deema…shlonha?”
“She’s good…” there was this look in his eyes…OMG!!! IT’S DAYOOOM?!! HE WAS TALKING ABOUT DAYOOOM!!!!

“oh…oh my god…it’s Deema?!!!!”

He was quiet and looking back with pleading eyes.

“but…she’s…”
“I know”
“and…you’re”
“yeah”
“crap” he laughed…I guess I was funny to him…my sister broke his heart!...ugh!! it kills me!
Dayoom was the one for him am I going to end up like him? Not everyone gets their other halves…am I one of them?

“it’s in the past Dalal…better live with it” he joked
“so is my situation so I should live with it too”
“no…it’s not over until I say it’s over” I laughed he was in control of my future with 7amad.
“I’ve always wanted to say that” he laughed even more and I couldn’t help but join.

He got up and pulled me up with him.

“it’s better than wondering what could’ve happened” he whispered in my ear.
He’s right…I’ll never let this go unless I tell him…

Another week passed…

He’s been avoiding me! Every time I look at him he looks the other way…when I walk towards him he finds a quick way to get away…just the sight of me makes him run! How the hell am I supposed to tell him if he won’t stop to talk?

He’s never home…he’s never around at times I am…at the chalet he’s with HER! Ugh!!
This is hopeless…Bader has seriously been a pain and amazingly so have the girls…it’s like they were a team…pushing me towards 7amad.

It hurts when I see him walk away….when I see him pretend I wasn’t even there…when he acts like I’m just a stranger…he just erased me…just as simple as that….wish it was that easy.
Why the hell do we have these stupid things called emotions and feelings?!
I see him look my way and he’ll just look away…walk away…it’s as if I was repulsive…I was
something he just couldn’t look at or talk to…I hate it…I hate this.

It’s driving me crazy but I’m not giving up until I let it all out…I owe myself that much…to get it off my shoulder and what he does with it is up to him…but I won’t carry it alone.
I tried and tried and tried…I never get a chance to talk to him…he’s never around…and when he is…she’s with him…UGH! For the entire week I was trying to catch him but he keeps slipping away!

At 6 pm I got a msg from 7amad…
Meet me at the X near the beach…just you…I’m waiting.

I know where it is…it’s a far walk but it’s along the beach…away from all the chalets….
I went there…after 20 mints of walking I finally reached it….but he wasn’t there…I could see a black wanayt but that was it…

There were the huge black rocks that reached into the water…the sea.
I decided to climb them until he arrives…I was bored so I sat with my back behind the black rock and stared at the wide open sea.

I was going to go back until that stupid laughter was hearable….ugh!!!
What the hell is she doing here?

I got up and they both paused surprised. HE ASKED ME TO COME AND NOW HE’S SURPRISED?!

I walked back to them and Selma enjoyed this…she looked like she knew I was going to be here….he wanted me alone and he brings her? He on the other hand looked really confused….he’s probably forgotten what I looked like with all the avoiding plans he was in.

“oh…Dalal?” she asked with that stupid annoying voice of hers. She was holding 7amad’s hand.
“sula! Hey” hehhehe it drives her crazy…
“it’s Selma…shitsaween ihny?” I looked back at 7amad who was looking to side….AM I THAT REPULSIVE?!!! U ASKED ME TO COME HERE AND U WON’T LOOK AT ME?!
“ha?...I”
“laykoon na6ra a7aad” she said it in a dirty way…she made seem like I was waiting for a guy…that B****!
“an mu mithl ba3’6 ilnas lat5afeen…I’m here for a walk”
“shga9dich bihal kalam?”
“salamtich…tamreen 3ala shay I have to go”
“ee…*snuggling closer to 7amad* mu hatha 5a6eebich?...*she started to laugh* you can see he’s with me now”
“omg…that’s the greatest news ever!...how far along are you?” I asked cheerfully.
“na3am?”
“how far along are you with your pregnancy? ‘cause it’s the only logical reason for anyone to be with you”
“i7tarmay nafsich”
“make me”
“7amad!” she turned to her rescuer
“Dalal…mala da3y itgooleen halkalam jidamy”
“next time…if you want to talk make sure you don’t bring her with you”

He turned to look at me with a confused look but he was angry. I was too…I was losing it!

“shga9dich?”
“why are acting like you know nothing?!!”
“Dalal…mally 5ilg inlif windor…shyaybich ihnee?”
“7abeeby kaber 3aglik…hathy yahel matifham”

It just pissed me off so I walked away. I went back…but before I did she called for me.
I looked back and that…that…ugh!!! She kissed him!

He pushed her away but they kissed on the cheek but still i7mara!!!. As soon as I reached the chalet I cried.

I called bader…I don’t know why but I just needed him.

“*crying* Bader?”
“Daloolty!! Shfeech?!!”
“are *sniff* you busy?’
“not for you”
“let’s go somewhere *sobs*”
“tamreen…yala I’m coming”
His car was out and I ran to him.
………………………………
Dayoom:

7amad and that…ugh! SELMA are back. I hate that I have to pretend like I like her! 7amad pleaded that I be nice to her…that was supposed to be my sister…Dalal was supposed to be in 7amad’s arms not HER!

As they closed the huge gap between us…it was the four of us. Me,Fajoor and the stupid couple.
“wee…gitlik 3indha 9a7b”

We turned to see Dalool rush to a car…I’ve never seen that car before.no wait I think I saw it before…but where?

7amad was disgusted…

“i7tarmay nafsich Selma hathy i5ty”
“Selma you have no right to say that about her”
“she’s riding in a car with another guy…and I have no right?...i9eerlkom?”
“yes…he’s my cousin” I lied
“oh”

She walked away towards the beach and left the three of us alone.

“hatha mu wild 3amich Deema” 7amad said angrily
“7amad drop it” Fajoor stood up for us again
“il bnaya tamshee wit ta3arf?!! Wain ga3deen?!! Hathy mu bint”

SMACK!!!!

“i7trim nafsik! 6a3 minyitakalam…yayibha jidam Dalal…no no…jidamana kilna witgool ina Dalal mu bint?!! 3ayal illy ma3ak shino?!...” I was still shaking furiously…Fajoor had to hold me on both sides. My hand was trembling.

7amad’s cheek was slightly pink…as if I didn’t just slap him.
Fajoor walked me back to the chalet and sat me down.

“baradtay galbee” I loved that she was on my side.

I just need to know where she was going…and with whom?!

“here” handing a bottle of cold water to me.
“you realize he was jealous…7amad would never say that about Dalal…asasan mayir’6a a7ad igool shay 3anha…he’s jealous and that only means one thing”

“he’s not over her” she nodded.
……………………………………………
Dalal:

I cried and told him everything and in return he cursed and yelled foul language…it made me smile ‘cause he was really funny.

“I see you smiling”
“thanks to someone”
“I think I know that someone…handsome?”
“mmm very..”
“good looking?”
“mhmm” I agreed
“intelligent”
“makes everyone around him look stupid”
“aha so it’s a he?”
“very manly”
“*laughing* walla mu 9a7ya”
“thanks to you”
He took me back and I felt a lot better…
“you have to tell him!” he yelled
“shhh!*waving my hands insanely trying to shut him up*”

I explained everything to the girls but they looked like they were hiding something.
“shfeekom?”
“you have to tell him”
“what is it with you guys and telling him? HE DOESN’T WANT ME!”

I walked up the stairs and I was really upset but they must be right…if all three of them think I should tell 7amad then I should.

After a few days…

I tried to find him to talk to him…it’s always the same…he’s asleep…he’s out…he’s not here...he’s sleeping over at a cousins chalet…he’s not coming…or they’ll simply just say “I don’t know”…it’s like I was looking for a missing person…like catching smoke….capturing a ghost….hopeless…

It just pushed me to my limits this isn’t normal!!
Bader and the girls kept up the annoying pushing and encouraging talk to do it.
HOW CAN I IF HE’S NOT AROUND?!

Soft tears fell…

I was sitting on the bay watching the dangerous black sea.

It was 4:35 am…his parents aren’t home…Fajoor’s over at our place and 5aled and 7amad are the only ones in the chalet…in his chalet.

it’s better than wondering what could’ve happened… bader’s words kept repeating in my head..

Sometimes risks are worth taking…

You’ll never have peace unless you let him know….

Dalal it’s the only thing you can do…he’s worth it.

Sometimes the greatest things in life are risks…

Their words kept playing…I need him…I want him…I know that..but he doesn’t….how the hell am I ever going to tell him if he’s never around?!

Their words just pushed me to my limits…there was this smile in my face..

I knew it’s what I have to do.

I ran to them…I ran to his chalet…

I don’t care I’m telling him the truth…no matter what…

I opened the door and walked up the stairs quietly….no one was around all I could hear was my heart beating strongly.

I stood out his door…I made it this far…I’m not going back.

THIS IS CRAZY!!! IT’S 4 IN THE FREAKIN’ MORNING!

I barged in and there he was on his bed…shirtless….he was up to my surprise…I thought I was going to have to wake him up .

He was hunching with his back to me…his back alone was a distraction.
He quickly turned to face me.

Shocked was an understatement.

I smiled…

“Dalal?”
“I’m sorry but you’re never around and I have something to say…*smiling*…this isn’t working for me…it’s…it’s not what I had in mind I want my friend back”
“Dalal”
“7amad I can’t do this…I don’t want to lose you..*smiling* I..I”

FFFFFLLLLLLUUUUUUSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I stood where I was paralyzed…his bathroom just flushed…what? does it always do that on its own?...

There walks out my living nightmare…Selma…she was almost naked...in nothing but a short silky dress..

My smile faded and I looked back at him…there was this enourmous pressure on my chest and I was getting really hot…

“I’m sorry” I stepped back
“I’m so sorry” I bumped into his table and his pile of CDs fell to the floor.
I quickly picked them up and I placed them back on the table…
Selma was enjoying the show once again…

“I’m sorry…I’m really sorry” I kept stepping back until I hit his door nob.
I turned and I left….i ran out and I ran as fast as I could to my chalet.

Omg! I felt my arms go numb and my legs gave up on me.
I was in front of our front door…trying to breath…he’s with her now.

Omg….

“Dalal” I turned and there he was shirtless but he wore his t-shirt fast.
“I’m sorry” I didn’t know what to say but this unbearable pain in my chest wasn’t going away…it seemed to only grow bigger and spread out more.

“it’s not what you think…you know what I don’t have to explain anything to you!”

“7amad” I was shocked he never spoke to me that way

“NO…I don’t… If I could take the last 4 years back I would!”

If I could take the last 4 years back I would.

“you mean nothing to me!”

You mean nothing to me!

“akrihich! Tism3eeny AKRIHICH!”

All my sense of balance went away

It took me all the energy I had to turn and open the front door.
It took me a while but I was behind the door now…as soon as I closed it I collapsed on the floor…I cried…I cried insanely….

You mean nothing to me!
If I could take the last 4 years back I would
AKRIHICH!

He hates me….

You mean nothing to me!
If I could take the last 4 years back I would
AKRIHICH!

.................................................
Dayoom:

Fajoor and I raced down to grab the first pancake when we saw her…on the floor behind the door.

“DALAAAAL!” we ran to her…but she was in her own world…lost in her thoughts
“Dalal?” Fajoor called her softly

Her lips twitched repeating something but it wasn’t hearable…

“let’s carry her up to her room” I nodded
“he’s……………*shaking her head*……….gone”
“who is? Daloola 7abebty tell me what’s wrong”
“it’s……..ov….ov…..over” we knew right then and there that 7amad did this to her.

I was going to say something but the look from Fajoor’s eyes shut me up.

“he’s….he….I….I want to go home….take me home….TAKE ME HOME!!!”
“ok ok”
“TAKE ME HOME!”

She was yelling uncontrollably

“ok Dalool we’re going now yalla…”

We walked her out to the car…we had to hold her up just to walk.
I drove back home…she was quiet …extremely quiet.

“he…” I’m concentrating all my thoughts on her
“he hates me”
“no”
“HE HATES ME!” she scared me…I can’t talk to her…I was here to listen and agree.
“it’s fine…I hate him too”
“you don’t mean that”
“I hate him so much…I wish I never met him…I want my 4 years back! it’s not just him”
“he said that?”
“I want it too!”
“Dalool you don’t mean it”
“yes I do…I hate him…akirha!” she’s not in the mood to talk to her.

2 weeks later...

7amad crushed her….she’s really different…always on her own…avoiding everyone.
I hate him too…this is not like her…he turned her into this person…she’s never around.
We were in the chalet again and she wasn’t around…she walked along the beach an hour ago.
………………………………………
Dalal:
His words burned me…I would give anything if I could just erase what happened…if I could just not hear that.

You mean nothing to me!
If I could take the last 4 years back I would
AKRIHICH!

His words have been with me as if it was just yesterday.
I took my clothes off and walked into the water in my bikini.
I never swam in the beach in my bikini and I don’t care anymore.
I was nowhere near the chalets and I need to relax.
I walked back all wet and they were all out staring at me.

WHAT THEY NEVER SAW A GIRL WET BEFORE?!!!

I went up to my room, changed and watched a movie alone.
…………………………………………………
The intervention…

The girls set me straight…told me they were worried and they hated how far I’ve become. It was true but I needed it…I just got my heart broken before I even told him…it’s like I’m never ever going to tell him.

I was in Fajoor’s chalet while they talked to me.
“you have to tell him…I know you hate hearing this but he has to know”
“HE HATES ME!”
“no he doesn’t” 5aled walked in
“he loves you…and I should know since I’ve been with him on this stupid ride”
“5aled” I sighed
“no…he’s settling on Selma…he doesn’t love her…I know my brother…he loves you…plus haven’t you heard….they had a fight…”
“A big one”
“just a few days ago”
“what’s that supposed to mean?...guys this topic is over…don’t bring it up”
“Dalal lat9eereen i7mara and tell him how you feel!”
“what do you want me to say?....hey 7amad remember that time I told you I didn’t love you…guess what I lied…I’ve always been in-love with you?..come on! He’s over it…it was nothing…”

their eyes were focusing on something behind me….

I froze I knew who it was…..their eyes told me.

I turned slowly and saw him standing there looking back at me….my heart stopped beating, my lungs stopped working and my tongue paralyzed.
He walked towards me slowly…all I kept hearing was his last words to me…

You mean nothing to me!
If I could take the last 4 years back I would
AKRIHICH!